Exclusive Interview with Daniel L. Shapiro – N-Conference 2024 Keynote Speaker

The big message here is that people often put rationality and strategic methods on a pedestal, treating emotions as secondary. My work has shown me that emotions are your primary power and your primary obstacle. Through research, we uncovered a set of tools for extracting the power of emotions in complex high-stakes negotiations.

Anna Cajot, Negotiation Conference Director, is in conversation with Daniel L. Shapiro, a Renowned Expert in Negotiation, Conflict Resolution, and Emotional Intelligence.

Dr. Daniel L. Shapiro is a distinguished authority in negotiation, conflict resolution, and emotional intelligence. As the Founder and Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program, he has dedicated his career to studying and teaching the art and science of negotiation.

Dr. Shapiro is the author of the groundbreaking book "Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts," which has received international acclaim for its innovative approaches to managing high-stakes negotiations and resolving deeply rooted conflicts.

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Anna: Thank you for joining me today, Daniel. Can you share some insights into the concept of emotionally charged negotiations and why they present unique challenges?

Daniel: It’s a pleasure being here, Anna. Certainly. Let's begin with a couple of assumptions. Firstly, as human beings, we engage in negotiation constantly; any interaction with another person for a purpose involves negotiation to some extent.

Secondly, we are inherently emotional beings. People tend to approach negotiations assuming we are purely rational negotiators and expect to maximize value on the table through rationality. To me, this is a very flawed way to think of a negotiation because you cannot avoid emotions any more than you can prevent thoughts. Emotions inevitably will influence, if not drive, negotiations.

My reflections on these assumptions:

Firstly, avoid emotions at your peril. People often perceive emotions as something terrible, something to get rid of - I see emotions pretty much as the opposite. Emotions can become your greatest ally in a negotiation if you know how to leverage them effectively.

Additionally, emotionally charged negotiations bring their own set of complications. We've all experienced being at the negotiation table when emotions begin to rise, escalate, and spiral out of control. Both parties may believe the other is wrong, leading to a hostile confrontation. In such cases, knowing how to manage emotions can be extremely useful to put out the fire of strong negative emotions and capture more value.  

Anna: Your book, "Negotiating the Nonnegotiable," explores negotiating in high-stakes situations where emotions run high. Can you provide examples of strategies or tactics from your book that can help negotiators navigate emotionally charged conflicts and reach mutually beneficial agreements?

Daniel: In the book, I introduced new negotiation concepts and terminology, essentially offering a new language for negotiators. So, when people are at the negotiation table, they have a better conceptual schema, which helps them strategize and act in ways that serve particular interests.

This stems from my observations of common pitfalls in negotiations. Having witnessed countless negotiations globally, I've noticed that people tend to fall for a few basic traps. One of those traps is when emotions start to get out of hand. One concept I introduce in the book to address such situations is "Vertigo." While vertigo is typically a medical symptom associated with dizziness, in the context of negotiation, it represents becoming so consumed by a conflict that it dominates one's thoughts and emotions.

Imagine you've been working on a deal for three months, ready to close, only for the other party to spring unexpected demands, threatening to derail the entire agreement unless met immediately. This can trigger a sense of vertigo, where emotions threaten to take over.

The key is how you respond to these emotions. Reacting impulsively—raising your voice, issuing threats—won't help you extract real value out of the negotiation process.

Instead, I suggest the following process: first, label your feeling as "vertigo" at that moment. The second equally important thing is to ask yourself, "What's my purpose in this negotiation? Do I want a deal? Do I want to build a relationship with the other side?" The answer becomes your North Star.

This might sound simple, but in the midst of emotional flooding, these seemingly straightforward tasks become incredibly challenging. Once you've grounded yourself, you can then draw upon your negotiation skills to navigate the situation effectively.

Anna: In your experience, what common emotional triggers arise during negotiations, and how can negotiators effectively manage them?

Daniel: During the Conference, I'll discuss five powerful emotional triggers. These triggers can either lead to problems or facilitate helpful behavior, so knowing how to handle them is crucial.

One of the most powerful is status, which plays a significant role in negotiations. If you haven't considered status yet, it's at your own risk, as it impacts almost every negotiation.

Do you feel important? Do you feel disregarded? These feelings often manifest in very subtle ways: through the words that parties use, who they look at, and their tone of voice. All of these are often indicators of the extent to which someone respects your standing in relation to them.

It's essential to recognize that nobody likes to feel diminished in status. There is a variety of different tools that one can use to authentically raise their own status to the extent it feels appropriate and to respect the status of the other side as well. These are genuinely advanced negotiation techniques and can make or break negotiations. Status is a substantial factor in government and business negotiations and should not be overlooked.

Anna: Conflict escalation is a common concern in emotionally charged negotiations. How can negotiators recognize signs of escalation and de-escalate tensions to foster productive dialogue?

Daniel: On this one, I am going to say, come to the Conference where I will be talking about five powerful tools that you can use to de-escalate unproductive tension in negotiations. It turns out there are but a handful of fundamental triggers that tend to ignite a lot of escalations in negotiations on the internationals well as local level. There are many different reasons for conflict escalation. Sometimes, it is strategic; the other side may decide to use conflict to pressure concessions.

More often than not, I suspect escalation is not manipulative, however. One primary reason why escalation happens at an emotional level is that people do not feel heard and understood. They don't, at a core level, feel appreciated for their views, values, and effort. In my opinion, the most effective negotiators are those who are able to really listen to the other side's perspective. If escalation happens, consider whether the other side does not feel heard. I'd recommend becoming a powerful detective on the search for what it is that they feel was not being heard or resonant in you.

It's a particular kind of listening, much more than active listening. This is not just reflecting on what the other side is saying; it is me being able to understand and find value in what the other side is expressing through their words and tone. This is a very focused form of deliberate listening.

There isn't a skill more powerful and complex than to listen not just for the words, not even for interests, but for the deeper motivations driving the other party, the value they are trying to express.

Anna: Which is more straightforward: negotiating with a seasoned professional or an amateur negotiator? Does this factor have an impact on the negotiation process itself?

Daniel: I think the question is less about being seasoned versus amateur, and more about the skill level of a negotiator.  You can have a very seasoned negotiator who has repeated the same poor habits for fifty years, just as you can have a novice with excellent listening skills.

That said, there are two basic negotiation games: positional bargaining and interest-based negotiations. Positional bargaining involves one party starting with extreme demands, stubbornly conceding, and demonstrating a greater willingness to walkaway from the negotiation table than the other party. Amateurs often believe negotiation is purely positional bargaining, but they end up extracting minimal value from the negotiations.

That’s why I’m a firm advocate of an alternative approach to negotiation - interest-based negotiations, where the focus is on understanding each side's interests, creating options for mutual gain, and making commitments based on objective criteria. This approach allows parties to expand the pie and then divide it in a fair way, making for wise agreements that enhance the working relationship as well.

Mindset is extremely important. You can have a professional intensely trained in interest-based negotiation skills, yet if they approach everything as an adversarial game, they will use their skills in counterproductive ways.

Anna: What is your understanding of empathy? How does it contribute to the process of building rapport?

Daniel: This is one of the big topics in our session at the upcoming Conference. Empathy is critical, but I tend to use that word less. To me, empathy is a tool to help people connect. During our program, we will discuss tools to build strong relationships in difficult international and local business negotiations.

How do you build that deep sense of connection? People often think that you cannot prepare emotionally for a negotiation. I think differently. Just as a lawyer spends many hours preparing rational arguments to argue a case for their client in court, I believe a negotiator should spend a substantial amount of time preparing to deal effectively with the emotional dimension of negotiation.

I will be presenting five ways of doing it in October. Empathy is one of the tools. It is not only about trying to understand the feelings of the other side and to resonate with them. It is much more than that. It is about understanding the merit and value of the other person’s perspective. This is an incredibly powerful skill that I’ve seen turn seemingly hopeless high-stakes negotiations into value-creating opportunities – real win-wins. 

Anna: Thank you for joining me today, Daniel. We are very much looking forward to seeing you in Zurich in October.

Daniel: Thank you, Anna. I’m very excited to be part of it. As a closing remark, I want to emphasize, that the big message here is that people often put rationality and strategic methods on a pedestal, treating emotions as secondary. My work has shown me that emotions are your primary power and your primary obstacle.

Through our research, we uncovered a set of tools for extracting the power of emotions in complex high-stakes negotiations. I will discuss these tools at the N-Conference on October 17th and 18th in Zurich.

Register here: https://www.n-conference.com/conference/zurich

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